Sandy’s Treatment – Day 298

The clasp of eternal care.

So said a friend this morning when I sent her the pic. Tears sprouted. Lots of them

Got in a bit before ten, no real change. Sandy says she had a bit better night’s sleep. She’s still being sick, but is trying to eat. She’s still sleeping a lot.

I received a message from a colleague this morning about the blog and it precisely describes the way I thought since the beginning that it should come across. I quote:

I think your sharing of this is generous and brave it helps us all understand how cancer impacts lives, something we’re all terrified of but need to know and these gentle, daily updates are wonderful. Your love and devotion for your wife is just lovely to witness. You’re reminding me that that (love and care) is what/all that matters, so I’m pleased it helps you to share, I really hope you sense your load slightly lessened as we’re all here to hear you, and to show we care.

What I precisely intended when I started is lost in the mists and the memories. We started in winter, have come through spring and summer and are now in autumn. We’ve been through cold and extreme heat, we’ve travelled and visited some of our favourite places, we’ve taken the news, whether good or bad. And we’re now here.

Medics, science and faith have tried and have seen partial success. As I have said before, we met Professor Sir Alec Jeffreys when Sandy and I went to receive our degrees at the Open University Congregation in Derby in 1991. He was receiving an Honorary Doctorate from the University at the time. We actually met in the multi-storey car park after the ceremony and I asked if he would show us the citation for his degree, which he did. He and I are the same age. 1950 was a good year. His work provided the groundwork for others in advancing the treatment of cancers of many types.

Genetics and science generally has played a vital role in allowing Sandy to continue through this year. Chemotherapy, seven gruelling three-week sessions, rehydration, blood transfusions, scans, stays in hospital, and series of booster sessions all trying to treat her. Prior to that, the initial diagnosis, the hope that it was operable, the second scan which told us that it had spread and then people trying all they knew to help her.

In the meantime we’ve made it on a couple of holidays, she saw her sponsor donkey, Walter, in June, we’ve managed a few trips out, we made Hailes Abbey, we visited Bradgate Park where the deer visited us, but unfortunately lack of energy exacerbated by a lack of ability to eat has led to where we are at the moment, the constant battle between Sandy’s determination helped by what the medics can do and the relentless advance of the various tumours in oesophagus, kidneys, liver, lungs and bones. They’re conspiring together.

Ultimately, we are here. The pace of the last week has been relentless. Every day I come in and see just how far this vibrant, energetic, loving, intelligent, determined woman is being attacked by forces far greater than she can handle. And we just have to sit and watch and wait, and administer what relief we can, although there’s very little left in the armoury. All I can do is sit and hold her hand. She didn’t want me to adjust the TV to prepare for Strictly, so that is a measure of how this is affecting her.

When I went home at lunchtime Kerry was nowhere to be seen. However there was a snoring coming from upstairs. She leapt off the bed – all our dogs have been able to go where they want, and came down the stairs. To find me at face level because I was going up. I now know what a surprised dog looks like. She has bed, sofa, chair and basket to choose from,

Tonight she’s having her usual when I get home to cook it. My fish came out of the freezer earlier – I’m using up leftovers so it’s an eclectic mix, certainly not Masterchef. There will be other things lurking in the deep recesses of the freezer that may well also appear on my plate.

I will be back in the morning. I’m posting this from the hospice.

Music: Enya – May it be. Tolkein had a bit of a way with language and this was written to be completely in context.

May it be an evening star
Shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls
Your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh! How far you are from home

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

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