Sandy – We are gathered here today for a unique occasion – to admit our partner Max into the Brotherhood…
Kerry – Sisterhood!
Sandy – … brotherhood of…
Kerry – Why can’t it be a sisterhood? There are more girlies here than blokes?
Sandy – Because it can’t OK?
Kerry – If you insist.
Sandy – I do.
Kerry – But..
Sandy – I INSIST! It’s what fellowships are called.
Kerry – Then why can’t we call it a Fellowship?
Sandy – Oh, all right then.
Kerry – OK, let’s get on.
Sandy – I was trying to until you interrupted.
Kerry – Good job I did.
Sandy – All right. Let’s just do it – Max is waiting.
Kerry – OK.
Sandy – We are gathered here today for a unique occasion – to admit our partner Max into the Fellowship of the Celtic Terrors. Kerry, will you please read the citation.
Kerry – In order to be admitted into the Broth… Fellowship…
Sandy – See, you got it wrong.
Kerry – I’m just reading from the citation and editing as I go.
Sandy – Just making a point.
Kerry – In order to be admitted into the Fellowship of the Celtic Terrors our partner Max has, over the past seven months, ably demonstrated that he is both Celtic and a Terror. For the first part he is a Welsh Collie cross, as he exhibits the characteristic floppy ear tip on one ear. Max would you please signify your assent that you are Celtic.
Max – Woof!
Sandy – In human speak, please, Max. This is all being documented for the blog.
Max – Oh. Sorry. Excited, that’s all.
Kerry – Max, would you please signify your assent?
Max – I give my assent.
Kerry – For the second part, Max has proved himself adept at recovering and recycling waste products produced as a result of human activity, known to humans as bin dipping. Max, we need your assent to your continuation of this activity.
Max – I give my assent.
Kerry – Furthermore, the extended grazing opportunities caused by human inattention during the preparation of foodstuffs not necessarily intended for canine consumption, known to humans as counter surfing. Max, we also need your assent for the continuation of this activity.
Max – I give my assent.
Kerry – And when they shout at you to get you to stop from any of these activities, you just look at them for a moment with big innocent brown eyes, then carry on doing exactly the same. Do you give your assent that you will continue in this wise?
Kerry (continued) – Good that. I made it up.
Sandy – Just get on.
Max – I give my assent.
Kerry – We also need you to confirm that you will continue to live up to your newly earned name of ‘Monkey Max’ by any similar activity. Could you please confirm your assent?
Max – I give my assent.
Kerry – And when you are on walks you have shown an aptitude to do the unexpected, such as self-fragrance, mud bath, swim and generally behave as a dog should. Do you give your assent that you will continue this activity?
Max – I give my assent.
Kerry – And when…
Max – Can I ask a question?
Sandy – Of course.
Max – When do I get better lines in this script?
Sandy – When you’re a full member of the Fellowship.
Max – OK then.
Kerry – And when you have fed on the meagre rations supplied after much demanding, do you assent to continue wiping your mouth across any clean area of fabric and give them fully flavoured doggy kisses?
Max – I give my assent.
Kerry – And finally, do you agree to be friends of their friends, to adopt each of them as your own even if they don’t really want you to, and, within a three mile radius, bark at all real or imagined cats? Would…
Sandy – Kerry – you cannot use language like that in an investiture!
Kerry – But I can’t pronounce asterisks!
Sandy – Make any sound you like as long as you don’t say cats. Oh – there – I’ve said it now!
Kerry – I’ll try.
Kerry (continued) – And finally, do you agree to be friends of their friends, to adopt each of them as your own even if they don’t really want you to, and, within a three mile radius, bark at all real or imagined c*ts. Would you please confirm your assent?
Max – I give my assent.
Sandy – So now, by the powers invested in me as head of kennel…
Kerry – You wish!
Sandy – By the powers invested in me as head of kennel, having given your assent to all assurances asked of you, I now declare you to be a fully fledged member of the Fellowship of the Celtic Terrors. Would you repeat the oath after me.
Sandy (continued) – Woof, woof, woof-woof-woof, grrrowf…
Kerry – Thought you said it had to be in human speak?
Sandy – Not the oath – we don’t want them to know what’s said.
Kerry – Ah!
Sandy – So Max, please repeat – Woof, woof, woof-woof-woof, grrrowf, grrr, woof, WOOF!
Max – Woof, woof, woof-woof-woof, grrrowf, grrr, woof, WOOF!
Sandy – Congratulations, Max, and welcome.
Kerry – Does his mean that there’s now three of us against them?
Sandy – Exactly.
Max – They don’t stand a chance.
Sandy – Stop ad-libbing – that’s not in the script
Max – Well, you haven’t given me any good lines yet!
AWAITING THE PACKING OF THE CAR
Max – Is it always like this?
Kerry – I asked that last year.
Sandy – And got the same answer – yes – they’re always like this.
Max – What, days at a time?
Sandy – Yes. Fifth time down there for me.
Max – Don’t you tell them to hurry up?
Kerry – We do, but they don’t listen.
Max – So what’s this sea you’ve been telling me about?
Kerry – Know how you like swimming in the canal?
Max – Yes.
Sandy – Well think bigger. Much bigger.
Kerry – Much, MUCH, bigger.
Sandy – And it moves.
Kerry – And tastes a bit funny. You can’t drink it.
Max – Are there ducks for you, Kerry?
Kerry – Yes, but they don’t quack.
Sandy – They’re seagulls.
A LITTLE LATER
Kerry – I spy with my little eye, something beginning…
Max – You that bored?
Sandy – No, she’s always impatient.
Max – But is it going to be much longer?
Sandy – Hope not,
Kerry – They hope not as well.
Max – OK we’ve had the trailer spare wheel with a puncture, the electrical problems on the towbar, then the roof bars were wrong, and the weather hasn’t helped.
Kerry – OK, give it to them, they’re trying.
Sandy – Very!
Kerry – I spy with…
Max – Yes, she is that bored.
Max (continued) – About this script, you said I’d get some good lines later.
Sandy – You had a couple in the last scene.
Max – But I’m expecting the declamation, with or without the dramatic paws.
Kerry – Spelling.
Max – Joke.
Kerry – Ah.
Sandy – It’ll come. Could I interest you in a subscription to the renewal of my poetic license?
Max – Well, I…
Kerry – DON’T!! It’s not worth the money you pay for it.
Sandy – But it’s free!
Kerry – Precisely!
THE NEXT MONING
Max – They’re fitting me with a harness.
Kerry – And me – looks promising.
Sandy – I’ll just sit here calmly and not get excited like you two.
Max – But you are excited, aren’t you?
Kerry – Of course she is.
Sandy – It’s just that I’m more dignified.
Kerry – Oh yeah!
Kerry – The car door’s open!
Max – I’m there.
Kerry – I’m in!
Sandy – I’m in
Kerry – I’m out again
Sandy – I’m driving
Max – But you can’t see AND reach the pedals.
Kerry – I’m in again
Max – They’re strapping our harnesses to the seat belts.
Kerry – They want to keep us safe.
Sandy – You especially because you do have a tendency to nip out – and there’s traffic
Max – I just wanna get going!!
Sandy – We’re off
Max – We’ve reached the village.
Kerry – We’re back again
Max – Now what have they forgotten?
Sandy – Just a couple of things this time.
Kerry – We’re off. Take two.
Max – You’re really getting into this scripting, aren’t you?
Max (continued) – Can’t see anything.
Sandy – It’s raining, and there’s spray.
Max – How long do we have to keep going?
Kerry – Would you want to stop in this rain?
Max – No, but it’s a long way.
Sandy – They’re talking about stopping at Taunton.
Kerry – That’s further than we usually go before stopping.
Sandy – May get there quicker.
Max – If we can’t see anything, and we’re going to be doing loads down there, I’m going to get some kip.
Sandy – Good idea.
Kerry – Can I have some room?
Max – You’ve got loads, move your bum.
Sandy – And you.
Kerry – Curl up a bit.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Kerry (continued) – Zzzzzzzzzzz zzzz zzz
Sandy – Zzz zzzzzzzz zzzzz
Max – Zzzzzzzzzzzz zzz zz zzzzz
TAUNTON DEANE SERVICES
Kerry – Wake up, we’re stopping.
Max – I am awake.
Kerry – Lemme out!
Sandy – I’ll just sit here like the senior Fellow I am and let you two race.
Max – Where are we going?
Sandy – To the grass.
Max – Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I needed that!
Kerry – ………………….. and me
Sandy – Relief.
Kerry – Didn’t know you knew maypole dancing, Max?
Sandy – Hmmmm. She is having problems with the leads.
Kerry – When there were just the two of us all we could do was twist the leads – now there are three we can plait them – much more fun!
Max – He’s coming back now.
Kerry – Shall we maypole with him as well?
Sandy – Don’t we always?
Max – Is she coming back?
Sandy – Of course she is. You worry too much.
Max – If you’d been in my position…
Sandy – OK, we’ll give you that.
Kerry – Why don’t we all look out for her so we don’t miss her?
Sandy – Are you looking?
Max – I’m looking
Kerry – And me.
Max – Hope we don’t miss her.
Sandy – We’ll wait.
Max – There she is!
Kerry – I saw her first!
Max – Didn’t. I’m taller. I can see further.
Sandy – She’s here – and pleased to see us.
Max – Not as pleased as I am to see her.
Kerry – Don’t panic, Max – she thinks the world of you.
Max – I know – it’s just that…
Sandy – We all know that feeling.
MORE M5 AND A30
Sandy (continued) – More rain
Max – Same again?
Kerry – Move your bum!
Max – Zzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz
Sandy – Zzzzz zzzzz
Kerry – Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz z
Max – Hey, wake up – the sun’s out.
Sandy – We’re not there yet.
Kerry – But we’re closer.
Sandy – That’s Carn Brea – that’s St Agnes Beacon…
Kerry – Not been to that last one
Sandy – Went there with Holly, before you came to live here.
Max – Will we go there this year?
Sandy – Maybe.
Max – Are we nearly there, yet?
Sandy – Soon. Now shift your bum, I want to sit and look out of the window
Max – What now?
Kerry – They take us to meet the rabbits.
Max – Then what.
Sandy – Then we help to put the tent up.
Max – But when we did it in the garden they told you to get off.
Sandy – But I didn’t want it to blow away.
Kerry – You say the same thing every year.
CHAPEL CARN BREA
Max – I thought you said we’d go to the beach?
Sandy – It was high tide and large waves. Not much beach to go on.
Kerry – But there’s rabbits up here. And places to explore.
BACK AT THE CAR
Max – You didn’t tell me there’s bracken, and holes, and hidden places, and things to do.
Kerry – And distances to see.
Sandy – She likes sitting high up and looking.
THE NEXT DAY
Max – Why can’t we just go out like we can at home – why do we have to go up that path?
Sandy – Camp Site rules. Believe me it’s worth it.
Max – We’re staying here then. Thought we’d go out.
Kerry – They’re clearing up. Then we’ll be off.
Max – They said Penzance. How far is that?
Kerry – Close. You’ll see.
Max – So it’s Penzance- where are the Pirates?
Sandy – Have you seen the car park charges?
CHAPEL CARN BREA
Max – Windy.
Sandy – Explore.
Kerry – Distance.
Max – Gorse and heather.
Sandy – Rabbits.
ST JUST – THE COFFEE SHOP
Kerry – I heard the word ‘Cheese’
Max – She said that all dogs who came to the coffee shop got a chunk of cheese.
CARN EUNY AND LONG ROCK
Sandy – Was good today
Kerry – The bath under the hosepipe at the end less so.
Max – It was only self-fragrancing. There’s foxes at Carn Euny, obviously.
Sandy – Yeah – it was the first time that all three of us have had to be washed at the same time.
Kerry – The fougou was good. She says it was used for food storage.
Max – None there now – I looked.
Sandy – That’s because Kerry was here last year.
Kerry – Cheek!
Sandy – It hasn’t been used for 1700 human years. In dogs years that’s … that’s … that’s … a long time.
Max – Then we went to the cheese place again.
Kerry – Then it was Long Rock – told you what it was like.
Max – Big space – all ours.
Sandy – Bigger when the tide’s fully out
Kerry – I’ll get that seagull next time.
PORTHUSTOCK, PORTHALLOW AND HELFORD
Max – You sure this is a beach – it’s all pebbly.
Sandy – Yes, there’s the sea.
Max – What are they doing?
Kerry – I think they call it ‘chilling’.
Sandy – He’s brought the tennis balls!
Kerry – Now he’s taking us along the beach. Where’s Max?
Sandy – Gone back to check on her. He won’t leave her far.
Kerry – Probably something in his past – he’s coming back now.
Sandy – Looks like we’re moving on.
Max – She’s saying it’s pronounced Pralla.
Kerry – Never mind that – it’s lunchtime – see what we can blag.
Sandy – Yes, Max, she has an affinity with her stomach.
Kerry – And you two don’t?
Sandy – Hmm. Car park pirates aren’t so bad here. Looks like a lead walk this time. Out to the point, they said.
Max – There’s a cheese place here as well.
Kerry – They call them coffee shops – don’t all serve cheese to us.
Max – This one obviously doesn’t.
THE ST BURYAN SHOW
Sandy – As lead of the Celtic Terrors it falls to me to announce that the newest member of our Fellowship, Max, today was placed second in the veterans class at the St Buryan Rally staged by the St Buryan Agricultural Preservation Society. She human is over the moon. He human isn’t very far behind.
Kerry – Never known it like it was today – couldn’t get out at any time.
Sandy – Nor me – no sunbathing, just lying on the bed.
Kerry – No visit to the pub for dinner, either
Max – And there’s this squelch, squelch, sound when you walk.
Sandy – They say the forecast’s better for tomorrow.
Max – Hope so.
Max – So that was Chapels. Not bad.
Sandy – Yes, twice up Chapel Carn Brea and a run at Long Rock
Kerry – And lunch at Carn Gloose with sausage rolls.
Sandy – Never fed since she was a pup.
Kerry – I had to look out for myself for a long time – and I didn’t notice either of you two holding back.
Max – I enjoyed it. Are we going again?
Kerry – Looks like it. I heard ‘dogs’ and ‘run’ in the discussions about the next set of chapels.
Max – Will there be sausage rolls?
Sandy – Max, you’re getting as bad as she is
Max – So this was supposed to a Chapels day – but we didn’t get to Chapel Carn Brea.
Kerry – We did get to Long Rock though
Max – But Chapels weren’t in it.
Sandy – They were – we visited some on the Lizard.
Kerry – And we blagged some of their lunch.
Max – But chapels – we still didn’t get to Chapel Carn Brea.
Sandy – We don’t get there every time we do Chapels.
Max – Then what are Chapels if we don’t get to Chapel Carn Brea?
Kerry – I think Max is a bit confused about Chapels.
Sandy – Ah yes, see it now. We’ve done it for two years so know what happens. You see, she studies chapels, the buildings. She goes and visits them and photographs them, measures them and writes about them. She’s an academic.
Max – What’s a Knackered Emic?
Sandy – An ACADEMIC. Someone who studies things, visits and photographs them measures them and writes about them. I think. Then for doing it gets letters after their name.
Max – But what’s that got to do with Chapel Carn Brea, where we didn’t go?
Kerry – Chapels are all over the place, not just at Chapel Carn Brea.
Max – So she doesn’t write about Chapel Carn Brea.
Kerry – Yes, she does – but not in the same context.
Sandy – All this means we get to go to different places with them.
Kerry – Like Long Rock.
Max – Yes, actually. Oh, I see what you mean.
Sandy – Lots of space, things to do, smell, run…
Kerry – Seagulls!
Max – You haven’t caught one yet.
Kerry – Maybe tomorrow – or next year.
Max – Oh, are we coming back again, then?
Sandy – They’ve already booked.
ANOTHER RAIN DAY
Kerry – It’s going “squelch, squelch” again.
Sandy – Bed.
Max – Agreed
LATER AT LONG ROCK
Sandy – She’s bought me a new tennis ball flinger!
Kerry – Run!
Max – Follow!
Kerry – Seagulls!
Max – They still got away!
Sandy – Tennis ball!
Max – And a tennis ball for me!
Kerry – I’ll stick with seagulls.
Sandy – But we catch the tennis balls. You haven’t been within a yard of a seagull.
Kerry – Next time!
Kerry – How many’s that this morning?
Sandy – Five.
Kerry – Is she ever going to run out?
Sandy – No, she’s plotting year on year changes as well.
Max – So that means we’ll be here again?
Sandy – Told you already – she’s already booked for next year.
Max – This is new.
Sandy – Carn Brea.
Max – But no chapel?
Kerry – Different Carn Brea, different views.
Max – To the top!
Max (continued) – Another six chapels – I counted.
Sandy – Tennis Ball!
Kerry – Run!
Max – Tennis ball, seagulls and run!
Sandy – We’re doing our job and keeping them well exercised today.
Sandy – A few more chapels, then explore Portreath and Battery Hill.
Max – Yes, we’re ever-ready to go up there.
Kerry – At a guess Sandy’s persuaded you into the Poetic License upgrade.
Max – Did you hear that in B&Q Penzance there’s this guy who asked if they stocked gopher wood?
Kerry – No … that’s part of the jokes module isn’t it? Told you it wasn’t worth the money you paid for it.
Max – But it was free.
Sandy – No, we only got two of them.
Kerry – This is getting worse than I ever thought possible.
Max – More chapels today – and a trip to see the Pirates.
Kerry – Huh?
Sandy – We had to park in a pay and display in Penzance.
Kerry – Oh.
Max – And then off to Chapels, lunch at Carn Gloose with sausage rolls, then the pet shop in St Just for biscuits, then the cheese place (but no cheese today) then Chapel Carn Brea, then more chapels, then Tesco, then Long Rock. Good day in all. Managed to confuse her with tennis balls as well.
Sandy – That’s about it. So Max, do you think you’re getting better lines in this script now?
Max – They’re increasing in extent, but the dramatic flair is somehow absent, the extent of the soliloquy is limited and the opportunity the dramatic paws is somewhat missing.
Sandy – You have your poetic license now (along with the optional jokes module which I noticed you used in that last passage) so you’ll have to get creative. There’s a few days left in this blog.
Max – I know that you know the area, but it’s all new to me. Describing it accurately and using the subtle nuances of humanspeak can be challenging to a canine.
Sandy – Well, all you do is to listen to them and say something similar.
Max – But isn’t that plagiarism? Don’t want to be hauled in front of the DCoC.
Kerry – DCoC?
Max – Disciplinary Commitee of Canines. They can stop you blogging, you know.
Sandy – If you attribute carefully and make sure that you are reporting the truth then that’s going to be OK. After all, they’re too lazy to blog on holiday so we have to do it. If we didn’t, then who would be able to let the world know what we’re doing?
Max – Very true. I suppose that the Terms and Conditions of the Poetic License do specify that you can use any inspiration possible. You’d have to be barking to ignore that.
Sandy – Oh, well slipped in! See you’re using the jokes module well.
Max – But our friend Kerry is very monosyllabic today. Are you not impressed, dear girl?
Kerry – No!
THE CAPE – WITH CHAPELS ON THE WAY.
Kerry – Right, after yesterday and their attempts at literature and jokes I’m going to bring some narrative back into this blog.
Kerry (continued) – So we went to get her something at an attempt at a shopping centre, then to get her a jar of coffee, without which he says his life is not worth living. I think he’s only half serious. Then it was off up and down country lanes looking for ‘significant architectural styles’. They all looked like buildings to me. We apparently found some and we’ll be back later. Then off to St Just and the sausage roll shop and…
Max – She’s off with her stomach again.
Sandy – And she said she wanted this to be narrative.
Kerry – … as I was going to say we stopped at Carn Gloose for lunch and to see if Cape Watersports was going to go ahead. Had they looked at the poster in St Just they’d have seen that it had been postponed to August 16th.
Max – I saw it – tried to tell them but they ignored me.
Sandy – You used doggy speak not human speak.
Max – I can write it but not say it.
Kerry – So as I was saying, we then went up to the top of Chapel Carn Brea. I like it up there. I can get up high and see the distant ocean and imagine the ways that dogs have populated this planet, the civilisation they have brought to the humans and the way that there is the pseudo-symbiotic dependency of human on dog and dog on human. In all I think it has been good.
Sandy – Now who’s getting all literary and poetic?
Max – Wondered how long it would last.
Sandy – Notice she didn’t mention the rabbits?
Max – That’s the real reason. This is just window dressing.
Kerry – You do not HAVE to have a poetic license to produce prose such as this – and as it seems to come with that jokes module inexorably attached I think I’ll pass on that. And anyway I really do like sitting and looking at what’s in the distance.
Kerry (continued) – Anyway then it was back to the tent, some more of that rather superior dog food…
Max – Back to her stomach again.
Kerry – … then walk and bed. I do like this life, you know.
Max – She asleep?
Sandy – Yes.
Max – OK, your turn.
Sandy – I say, I say, I say, my dog’s got no nose.
Max – How does he smell?
Sandy – Horrible.
Kerry – I heard that!
Sandy – Could have been a rain day, but we went out – quite far east – to St Day and Gwennap. Left us in the car and came out with books.
Kerry – So what’s new?
Sandy – They haven’t bought many books this year.
Max – Then back to the tent for lunch and out again. They’re getting fed up with this weather. But we know it’s summer because the rain is warmer.
Sandy – Ker-Ching! The jokes module hits again!
Kerry – Grief!
RAIN DAY – YET ANOTHER ONE.
Sandy – Last week the paper said that the Met Office said that high pressure was building.
Kerry – Knowing builders they’ll be back Thursday.
Max – See, you’re catching it as well!
Kerry – Just what I needed – infectious humour!
Max – So what’s Geevor? They said we’re going there.
Sandy – A tin mine – closed – now a museum.
Kerry – And there are rabbits.
Sandy – Yes, but you’re not allowed to get close.
Max – So why are we going?
Sandy – They’re involved with the museum – have been for years.
Max – So they’re famous.
Kerry – Not as much as we are. You’ve been Dogs Trust Dog of the Week – not much beats that.
Max – They seemed to like us at Geevor.
Sandy – They always do. We’ve been brought here every year. And so have the previous dogs in their lives.
Kerry – And now Chapel Carn Brea.
Sandy – Make the most of it – not many more times here this year.
Max – Not much more time for Kerry to ‘just miss’ catching rabbits.
Kerry – I’ll get them next year.
Sandy – You said that last year, and the year before.
Kerry – I’ll miss the view
Max – And so changing the subject….
Sandy – Don’t know who’d be more surprised if she did catch one, Kerry or the rabbit.
Kerry – You can mock, you can mock…
Max – We just did.
Kerry – They’re mentioning sausage rolls for tomorrow.
Sandy – And on that change of subject …
Max – Passing strange colour in the sky this morning.
Sandy – I’d have said more unfamiliar than strange. I remember something like this from way back.
Max – Ok, unfamiliar. I’ll give you that. And with the promise of some solar luminescence to come.
Sandy – And here it is. And with it the dampness of the ground will soon evaporate and our joi de vivre may well soon return.
Max – It is to be hoped.
Kerry – Look, why don’t you two just say that it looks like it’s going to be a nice day?
Max – Because that’s just too prosaic, dear girl.
Sandy – And we have our poetic license to think about.
Max – So first to Penzance to pick up a book (what else), then to Helston to pick up lunch, then to Coverack for more chapels.
Kerry – Then sausage rolls! And some of their pasties!
Sandy – The stomach on legs is back!
Max – Then more chapels, then Long Rock, where the tide was in so we ran along the back of the beach
Sandy – Then back to the tent for an early supper so that they can have a meal out.
Max – Are they taking us?
Sandy – Of course they are. They make sure we’re fed first.
Max – So do we get a chance to blag some of theirs?
Kerry – Never failed yet.
AFTER THE PUB
Max – The walk back from the pub was a little non-directional. Is it always like this?
Kerry – After the Rattler, yes.
Sandy – Good meal – judging by what we managed to blag.
Max – Which wasn’t as much as Kerry would have liked.
Kerry – Are you implying that I’m stomach driven?
Max – Do the facts not speak for themselves?
Sandy – But did I not notice that you came forward quickly enough, Max?
Kerry – Is everything in this part of the script a question?
Max – Have we all been watching a little too much Clive Anderson?
Sandy – Is it not obvious?
Max – Looks like the builders have come back and summer’s arrived.
Kerry – If you can call two successive sunny days summer!
Sandy – Face it, it’s the best we’ve had this holiday.
Kerry – I like the feeling these mornings – kick him out of bed, up to the field, say good morning to the rabbits …
Sandy – That’s all you do, never seem to catch any.
Kerry – … Next year … but as I was saying, race round the field in the sun, come back, get fed breakfast and then back to bed until we all go out.
Max – So what’s different from being at home?
Sandy – Different rabbits. She never catches any there either.
Kerry – Harrumph!
Max – So where today? I heard them say that we’d finished the chapels, so does that mean we won’t be back?
Sandy – Finished the chapels for this year – there are still plenty to see, apparently.
Kerry – So today it’s Porth Kidney …
Max – Are you on about your stomach again?
Kerry – … cheek … no, Porth Kidney Sands are this place near St Uny Lelant where there’s so much sand you wouldn’t believe. We can just run.
Max – This is BIG!
Kerry – Told you.
Sandy – Run! Chase! Sea!
Kerry – Splash!
Max – Great!
Sandy – Fun!
Kerry – Dunes!
Max – Chill!
Kerry – Lunch!
Max – Stomach on legs!
Sandy – No sausage rolls so meat patties!
Max – The Cheese Shop
Sandy – Coffee and bookshop actually.
Kerry – Max is quite right!
Sandy – Not been here before.
Kerry – Leaving us in the car.
Max – May be thinking about the potential damage.
Kerry – They’ve bought something – looks like two large dog bowls.
Sandy – Probably not for us.
Max – Lot done today.
Sandy – We’ll have a long journey tomorrow.
Kerry – They want to make us dog tired.
Max – Was that a joke?
Sandy – If it was it was done without our jokes module.
Kerry – I bought mine – it’s far superior to the free ones that you two use.
Max – That was a partridge, Kerry. You didn’t even spot it until it flew up from just under your nose, and you still missed it by a mile.
Kerry – You can mock! You can mock!
Sandy – Oh, we are, we are!
Kerry – One day!
Sandy – Says that every year.
Max – Kerry’s not the only one this morning, he’s just said that he was trying to find the matches to light the electric toaster.
Sandy – He’s finally lost it.
Max – What do we have to do?
Kerry – Absolutely nothing – they just want us to keep out of the way.
Sandy – So we sunbathe.
ON THE WAY AT LAST
Sandy – Max, sit down.
Max – I just want to see it for the last time.
Kerry – It’ll still be here next year.
Max – That’s not the point!
Sandy – See what you mean.
Kerry – Anyway, it’s a long journey.
Max – Are we going to stop for lunch?
Kerry – Now who’s got food on the brain?
Sandy – He’s catching it from you.
LUNCH – BODMIN
Sandy – ME!
Max – ME!
Kerry – ME!
Max – Is that all?
Sandy – We’ll get more later.
Sandy – Launceston
Kerry – Okehampton
Max – Exeter
Sandy – Honiton? Not been this way back before.
Kerry – Overhead signs said M5 blockages
Max – Illminster – nice
Sandy – Shepton Mallet
Kerry – Bath – they don’t mean…
Max – No, none of us has been rolling in it.
Sandy – Cirencester
Kerry – Moreton in Marsh. Where’s the ducks?
Max – Warwick
Sandy – Coventry
Kerry – Chipshop, and home.
Max – Good, wasn’t it?
Sandy – As always.